


don't panic

by dorky (dorcas_gustine)



Category: Marvel Adventures: Avengers
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-13
Updated: 2011-06-13
Packaged: 2017-10-20 09:26:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorcas_gustine/pseuds/dorky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Cap remembers where his towel is. It's in his bathroom where he left it, in fact. That doesn't seem to help the situation at all, though.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	don't panic

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [](http://community.livejournal.com/cliche_bingo/profile)[**cliche_bingo**](http://community.livejournal.com/cliche_bingo/) prompt 'Inanimate Objects AU'. Er, I'm not sure this qualifies as an AU, but it had me giggling way too much not to post it.
> 
> [](http://valtyr.livejournal.com/profile)[ **valtyr**](http://valtyr.livejournal.com/) gave it a look and came up with Cap's... _situation_. I came up with Wolverine's. :D

Steve was frowning. In fact, he had been for quite a while. "I still don't understand how- how-" his gloved hands made vague, aborted motions.

"It's very simple," Hank cleared his throat, "the device altered reality on a quantum level. Very much like the Ultimate Nullifier."

Next to Steve, Wolverine snorted loudly. "Simple," he muttered. " _Right_." He kept eyeing the seemingly inert device Hank was holding in his hands with suspicion, though.

Hank went on as if he hadn't heard. "This particular device alters reality following parameters that are totally indipendent from the user or users involved, though."

Wolverine snorted again, louder this time. "I was turned into a _teapot_."

There was a long, heavy silence. Even Hank, with his frankly limited - if Steve was one to judge - social skills seemed to be slightly uncomfortable.

"Yes," Peter said, "and that's why I think that all the bad luck I've had to endure until now was just so I could have this moment of karmic perfection."

Logan gave a low growl.

"I was a _pork pie_ ," Steve said, still stunned. "I was aware of being a pork pie, and yet I was still Steve Rogers, _Captain America_. Only as a pork pie."

"As I was saying," Hank said with a cough, "while the Ultimate Nullifier levels the quantum probability field, the device this guy has come up with actually warps reality in the most _improbable_ way."

"Right," Wolverine said after a long moment.

"Um," Iron Man said his first words since they'd turned back into their proper forms. He'd seemed to be pretty shocked by the whole thing. Steve couldn't really figure out why, though. He hadn't been turned into a _pork pie_. "So you're saying that this guy wanted to use the laws of probability - or rather improbability - to defeat us because otherwise it would've been a highly improbable task to accomplish."

"Exactly," Hank nodded. "Then again, since it would have been highly improbable for us to defeat him as-"

"A teapot!" Peter interjected cheerfully. "A scary teapot with claws. But still a teapot."

"A pork. Pie," Steve said, darkly.

Peter froze.

"Er," Hank said. "Moving on."

"So what you're saying," Peter interrupted again, "is that this guy basically built an Infinite Improbability Drive."

"No, that's not-" Hank trailed off. "Actually, that's a pretty good explanation."

Hank, Iron Man and Peter stared at the small device for a long time.

"An Infinite Improbability Drive," Peter repeated. "And you're holding it. In your hand."

They stared some more.

Steve couldn't see either Tony's or Peter's face, as they were hidden by their masks, but he would've bet his shield with no fear of losing it that they were pretty much mirroring Hank's expression of stunned wonder.

"No," Steve said, before the actual words were voiced. "Absolutely not."

"But, Steve-" Iron Man protested, "what this guy achieved was incredible! We _have_ to study this further!"

"We have to!" Hank and Peter echoed with an eerie tone that reminded Steve of mind controlled people.

"No," Steve repeated. "And that's the end of this argument."

"But-"

"Pork. _Pie_."


End file.
